Thanksgiving Break(down) - False Start #2

November 26, 2018

     I have big dreams, huge dreams, in fact this website is one of them. I bought tinyacts.co back in August  to celebrate my 33rd birthday. The funny thing about dreams are that they require a certain amount of sleep. Sleep haha! I have been lacking sleep for quite some time now. So, this dream, like many others got shoved to the side. I didn’t forget about it, I just kind of quieted it. I threw enough other shit on top that the sound of my dream had become just a faint murmur. Faint murmurs don’t get much attention around here. I live with my husband and three children far enough out of town that we operate at full volume all the time.

     I thought I had been doing pretty good lately until Thanksgiving break broke everything wide open. By day three I had lost my voice (I’m serious about everyone operating at full volume). I frantically started trying to escape into my daydream. For those of you with dreams, passions and callings you know they never go away, they are always there, right under the surface, begging to be released. So, I let that faint murmur take over in hopes of blocking out everything and everyone else.

     What’s my passion? What lights my soul on fire? Doing kind things for others. Making people smile. Making people laugh! What’s the point? What’s my purpose? To make people happy. But you can’t get to the real why, unless you are willing to dive down the why-rabbit-hole. In order to do that you must pretend you are being interviewed by a very determined three-year-old.

So, Why? Why?

Why do I want to make people happy?

Why? Why?

Why is making people happy so important to me?

Why? Why? Why?

I have never ventured this far down the why-hole. I didn’t realize how close to the bottom I was getting until it was too late and I hit it hard.

Why do I want to make sure everyone else is happy?

I want to make everyone else around me happy

because

I

don’t

want

anyone else

to ever feel

as unhappy as I do…

as unhappy as I do? FUCK!

     I consider myself to have a pretty good sense of humor, but even I can’t spin that into a punch line. It was just a straight punch to the fucking gut, and it knocked the wind out of me. I was unhappy. I am unhappy.

     I haven’t been succeeding at all. I have just been buying time and efficiently avoiding my three biggest stressors by sending them to school five days a week and tolerating the chaos for two. I know that sounds awful, but for those of you dancing in the same season as me I hope it clicks. I hope you understand I get you girl! Of course, my children are my biggest stressors. There is no harm in saying it. They are also the most important part of my life. Funny how stress level and importance go hand in hand. When they are away from me, I know they are well loved and taken care of. When they are with me, I love and care for them so much, that I sometimes forget to love and care for myself.

     Now thanks to Thanksgiving break and them being home all week I completely broke down. My husband was hauling ass down I-70 headed to our third of four Thanksgiving dinners. I was double thumbing the screen of my phone like a 90's kid with a Super Nintendo controller. Except this time it wasn't Princess Peaches life who depended on it. It was mine. 

Google – The sound of my kids’ voices makes me want to puke.

NO RESULTS - No shit!

because I’ve got to be the only mom in the world who feels this way

Google, Google, Google -

Psychiatrist

Holistic Doctors in Mid Missouri

Vitamin Deficiencies

B12 injections

Health and Wellness Spas

     I lifted my eyes just long enough to take a breath and notice the license plate of the vehicle passing us. H8, hate, ugh I hate H8, wait its FH8 so technically the F cancels out hate and it would be pronounced fate, right? Right? Yeah fate that makes me feel a little better. FH8 B4U. Fate B4U? Fate Before You! Are you shitting me? This isn’t even a personalized plate, this is just a randomly generated plate and it’s saying fate is before me. But is it before me like it already happened before this point? Like I've already completely missed my fate or I just passed  it and I need to turn back around? Or is it before me? like all laid out in front of me in the future somewhere? AHHH! 

     God always pulls this shit with me when I’m looking for a sign. It’s also how I most definitely know he is a man. Lady God would have put a well thought out, easy to understand message in plain sight, on a giant billboard. But not my God, he hides the most powerful messages in cryptic combinations of six letters and numbers, stuck to the back of dirty bumpers flying down the interstate. Regardless it was enough to grab my attention and get me out of my darkness.

     I’m not a bad mom, I am just a tired mom. My current state of affairs is sucking the life out of me and the love out of my home. My dreams, the ones that I push to the side until I have everyone else’s needs met, should no longer be quieted. He did mean my fate had already come and I need to turn around with fresh new eyes and notice everything he has provided me with. He also meant that my fate is laying out waiting in my future too! After a year of daydreaming, four months of stalling and five days of Thanksgiving break breakdowns, I was led to my breakthrough. The most impactful “Tiny Act” of kindness that I could mention, one worthy enough to launch my website, has nothing to do with the outward acts of kindness we show to others, and everything to do with the acts and actions we take towards ourselves! I will be sharing many adventures in kindness as I go along, but these first few acts of kindness are for me!